First it was 15, then 16, then for 365 days I was 18. For a moment I still struggle to remember when I was in JC 1, was I 16? Yes, I was 16. So I entered the army when I was 18. 16 till 22. 7 years just flashed pass my eyes. Its so surreal. The posters on my wall stare back at me everyday but never once did I take a breather to think about how they have aged with me.

My first Oasis concert I went to, where I got that poster. Where I stuck out in front with my friend and my brother, singing and moshing along to the songs that seemed so familiar then. It was before entering JC. And now 7 years later, that very band has broken up. They have moved on. Mr. Chambers above the TV stares back. One of the idols who sparked my interest in drumming. How it seemed like another language he so fluently applied in musical conversations. And now, when I finally seem to be grasping what he performed, its been 7 years.

7 years may seem short, after all its not 10, or 20. But 7 years don't seem short to 7 year olds do they? I have lived 3 periods of 7 years, and by next month, I will be starting a new 7 year loop. In 7 years time, I will be 29. When I was 16, I thought ideally that by 29 I would be married, settled down and have kids once I'm 33. Although I always rejected the idea of placing an expiry date on my life, inevitably I plotted this ideal time line in my head. I can't deny this linear method of thinking. Seeing how Amy and May have started working, and how the rest of the bandies, who have been so close to my heart are starting their moves into the corporate world really brings the boundaries of our aging frontier to light.

Admittedly, I'm still young, at least I'm less mature in terms of life experience when it comes to dealing with older people. But how I wish the hands of time would reverse and that life would rewind, even if it means going through the same ordeals, heartbreaks and hardships; at least I can replay all the happy moments once more. I'm just no good at getting old. Side note - I think that the older we get, we don't get more mature. We just find more and more excuses for ourselves. Societal order cause us to confabulate. Maturity doesn't come with age, it comes with nature, perhaps its intrinsic. But that's just my opinion, nothing you have to force into your system. My experience that caused me to think I have learnt more in some way? Perhaps it was the internal pilgrimage I made (or think I have made), when I stepped out from home and moved towards being lonely.

I get how perspective works. It changes with our age, our experiences; and as our white canvas gets painted, and vandalized. I just watched The Green Mile once more, and issues of ethics that never once occurred to me come rushing to the surface. How did it seemed like a code till now will never be comprehended by me. What's prevalent though was it made me feel older.

Looking into the future, I'm scared. I can't believe that the older generation which seemed all so strong and mighty are passing duties into our hands. And we hardly even know what's going on. We all pretend we know, we put on smiles and give handshakes of confidence just to mask the fact that we are so lost and lonely. There are circles of friendships and circles of trust. Then there's the circle of loneliness we (I) draw around ourselves, to protect our inner most thoughts. While we get older, the circle gets larger, the excuses increase and fear cements it.

Happy birthday.

Deon